I was
born in Bolivar, Tennessee, the youngest child in a large family. I was
an intelligent, precocious child, who trusted absolutely
everyone. Although I had both parents in the house, my father was an
alcoholic and was often abusive to my mother. Yet I still remember
growing up loved and happy.
When I
was nine years old, my parents divorced. My mother, my older sister, and
I moved to Michigan. Once there, she was reunited with a childhood friend
who she soon married. My life changed drastically when my mother married
this man. He began molesting me when I was ten years old.
Most
people knew my stepfather as a quiet, meek individual. I knew him as a
person who was sneaky and clever enough to make me seem to be a bad child who
misbehaved, set fires, and hated everyone for no reason. My mother never
accepted that this had happened to me.
As I look
back over my life, I know that this trauma in my childhood set me up for a long
string of bad choices and decisions, including drugs, crime, and working in the
sex industry. My stepfather’s actions planted a tiny seed in me that said
I was worthless, and I believed it.
Everything
that I did stemmed from that belief. That tiny seed was watered and it
grew. I ended up alone, in and out of jail, and addicted to drugs.
I was basically doing anything that would help me to kill myself. I came
very close to succeeding, but I had been introduced to God as a child. I
could feel this same God saying, “No,” to killing myself. But I was too
angry at Him to listen to anything that He had to say. So, I began to
search for my own answers and solutions. I repeatedly entered drug treatment
facilities desperately searching for someone to cure me from all that ailed
me. No one could. I was treated at eight of them, sometimes
completing their programs and sometimes buying drugs on my way home from them.
I wondered, ”Why couldn’t anyone fix me?” I finally decided that I would
die on the street, my body would go unclaimed, and I would be buried in a
pauper’s grave. My very last time in jail, I was
at the end of my rope-- the part that forms a noose. I was wounded,
tired, and ready to die. Suddenly I felt something very pure and sweet descend
upon me. I knew that it was the presence of God. He was there in
that jail cell with me. He was there to save me! God said, “My precious
little girl, I’ve watched you spin your wheels all these years trying to flee
from your pain.” God said that I had been looking for a person or place to heal
me, when that’s His specialty.
So, the Creator of the universe, the Alpha and the Omega, Jehovah
Jireh told me to get up off the floor, dry my tears and together lets go
rewrite your story. Page after
page, we wrote a new story of restoration, healing, and dignity into my
shattered life. We erased the nightmare in which I was a victim,
stripper, and addict; and we wrote that I am a lady of honor and integrity-- a
virtuous woman. As we wrote, I realized that God was saving
me from everything and everyone who had ever let me down, hurt or abused me. He
even gave me back my dream of being a nurse. Since that day, I’ve never
committed another crime, used another drug, or returned to jail.
Still I
was consumed with anger, hatred and unforgiveness for my stepfather, even after
his death. It had built a wall of iron around my heart. Then came the
epiphany! Through the grace of Jesus Christ, I had been forgiven
much. Admitting that His grace was for everyone, including my abuser, was
hard--very hard. After much prayer, it was revealed to me that the
molestation was not the barrier to my healing, the unforgiveness was. I knew
then that the only way that I could step out of my nightmare and into the world
was to do the unthinkable – forgive this man, completely and
whole-heartedly. Could I do it? For my own benefit and per God’s
instruction, I had to do it. The blessing that made it easier was the
fact that I knew that he would be dealt with by a God who adores ten year old
little girls.
As I
forgave him, the lock that had encased my heart for so many years opened; and
chains of defeat fell from my body. That is the moment when I knew that I had
truly, truly won. I am no longer alone. I am reunited with my family. My
beautiful twin nineteen year old children are back in my life. I am also
a licensed nurse. I am part of A
Way Out, a program that’s committed to helping women like me get out of the sex
industry. It’s been my God-send. One of the best gifts I have received
during my time at A Way Out is my mentor Linda Tichenor. She was a
perfect match. She’s funny and sweet and beautiful, but most of all she’s a
Godly Christian mentor who I can strive to be like. I love Mrs. Carol Wiley,
our program director, for a million reasons, but most of all, she is strict
with me and can correct me, but you know what’s funny? It’s covered with so
much sweetness that it doesn’t sting. I know it’s because she loves me, and
that she wants what is best for me.
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